Dan, I love the complex thinking behind this piece. I especially love this line:
"Just because the person I was in the past experienced an injustice doesn't mean the person I am in the present needs to hold onto it"
Every second we flow and evolve, how beautiful to think that we can leave behind past hurts as we are no longer the one who got hurt. I was always taught to extend compassion with forgiveness, so this concept of forgiveness without compassion truly intrigues me! I hope you write more on the topic.
“A construct”. Yes. If I write the book, it will be to unpack the construct. I’ll trace how an idea made the journey from a guilt offering to God (an animal sacrifice) to the modern understanding of forgiveness.
Interesting topic. Forgiveness is something we all misunderstand. It is a loaded word with a mix of guilt, high and mighty vibe. That’s how it feels to me. It’s almost this unreachable, huge thing we are told to do. I don’t even find the word necessary. Letting go off resentment is enough, and you do it for yourself first and foremost, as feeling resentful is a heavy and useless energy. Need to shake it off in order to move on. I find people, who let go off resentment towards a person or an issue provides lightness of sorts and opens up something, which may lead to reconciliation and a fresh start. I know many examples in real life of that. Forgiveness is pressure.
I’ve been taking a deep dive into forgiveness. I think it will eventually be a book. And I think you’ve named some of the biggest issues with forgiveness. People use the word to mean different (sometimes contradictory) things. So it’s hard to think we’re ever “getting it right.”
For example, is forgiveness the decision to forgive, the process of forgiving, or the completion of that process? If it’s the completion of the process, how do you know if you’re done? If it’s just the process, then how much processing is enough? And if it’s the decision, what is the sign that the decision is real and not a passing whim?
That’s the problem we are ‘trying’ to get it right, when often there’s no need to forgive. Many believe we don’t need to or have to. Some things are just unforgivable, but it doesn’t mean we can’t move on. Theres so much subtext to forgiveness it makes it complicated.
You ask great questions there, indeed, it is seen as multilayered, it’s made into a complex and almost an abstract thing, a construct. Many would ask what does forgiveness even mean? To me it’s a decision in my reply to your questions, but I think it will vary depending on people’s personalities, and you might get a variety of perspectives on this.
Good luck with your explorations. I like folk asking questions about big ideas.
Oprah says you may forgive someone but that doesn’t mean you are going to have them come over for dinner! Something like that… again, it was so nice seeing you.
Most people fall into Oprah’s camp—you can forgive, but not reconcile. Some say you can’t reconcile without forgiveness. Others say you can. I’ll probably do a future post on the relationship of forgiveness and reconciliation.
Dan, I love the complex thinking behind this piece. I especially love this line:
"Just because the person I was in the past experienced an injustice doesn't mean the person I am in the present needs to hold onto it"
Every second we flow and evolve, how beautiful to think that we can leave behind past hurts as we are no longer the one who got hurt. I was always taught to extend compassion with forgiveness, so this concept of forgiveness without compassion truly intrigues me! I hope you write more on the topic.
“A construct”. Yes. If I write the book, it will be to unpack the construct. I’ll trace how an idea made the journey from a guilt offering to God (an animal sacrifice) to the modern understanding of forgiveness.
Interesting topic. Forgiveness is something we all misunderstand. It is a loaded word with a mix of guilt, high and mighty vibe. That’s how it feels to me. It’s almost this unreachable, huge thing we are told to do. I don’t even find the word necessary. Letting go off resentment is enough, and you do it for yourself first and foremost, as feeling resentful is a heavy and useless energy. Need to shake it off in order to move on. I find people, who let go off resentment towards a person or an issue provides lightness of sorts and opens up something, which may lead to reconciliation and a fresh start. I know many examples in real life of that. Forgiveness is pressure.
I’ve been taking a deep dive into forgiveness. I think it will eventually be a book. And I think you’ve named some of the biggest issues with forgiveness. People use the word to mean different (sometimes contradictory) things. So it’s hard to think we’re ever “getting it right.”
For example, is forgiveness the decision to forgive, the process of forgiving, or the completion of that process? If it’s the completion of the process, how do you know if you’re done? If it’s just the process, then how much processing is enough? And if it’s the decision, what is the sign that the decision is real and not a passing whim?
That’s the problem we are ‘trying’ to get it right, when often there’s no need to forgive. Many believe we don’t need to or have to. Some things are just unforgivable, but it doesn’t mean we can’t move on. Theres so much subtext to forgiveness it makes it complicated.
You ask great questions there, indeed, it is seen as multilayered, it’s made into a complex and almost an abstract thing, a construct. Many would ask what does forgiveness even mean? To me it’s a decision in my reply to your questions, but I think it will vary depending on people’s personalities, and you might get a variety of perspectives on this.
Good luck with your explorations. I like folk asking questions about big ideas.
Oprah says you may forgive someone but that doesn’t mean you are going to have them come over for dinner! Something like that… again, it was so nice seeing you.
Most people fall into Oprah’s camp—you can forgive, but not reconcile. Some say you can’t reconcile without forgiveness. Others say you can. I’ll probably do a future post on the relationship of forgiveness and reconciliation.