Wonderful piece. So timely for me in my time of parenting teen boys who are often late, take too long showers, and don’t always clean up after themselves. 🤣
Our thoughts, rather than external events, are what truly cause our anger. It requires a significant shift in perspective and a deep level of emotional awareness to recognise and communicate the underlying needs driving our emotions.
I am enjoying walking along this path of inquiry with you, Dan. NVC is challenging. I'm in a NVC group run by this org: https://www.authenticcommunicationgroup.com/ This group has been one of the most impactful I've been a part of and very challenging at times for the reasons you explore here. Thanks for including us!
Dan, I always look forward to your posts. Recently I've recommended to my husband that he subscribe to your publication.
As a coach I'm surprised how often my clients aren't able to recognize what feeling is evoked from a particular circumstance, or what need is not being met. If we can begin to educate ourselves in that realm of the human condition maybe non-violent communication would become easier for us. It does take courage as you so eloquently suggest.
Great read, thank you. Lots to work with. Though don’t we also speak about righteous anger? Even an angry God or Jesus throwing the sellers out off the temple. How would the different approaches go about that?
This one really hits home. I can't imagine what's missing, or how you could add to it.
You subtitled it "Nonviolence requires Courage", but really it is about non-reaction, not about nonviolence. You said: "No one makes you angry. It’s your own thoughts that make you angry."
So why don't you modify your thoughts?
1) Well, you enjoy being angry. 2) You identify emotional tension as your power center. 3) You also have an urge for domination through the anger drama. 4) People only respond to raised voices and anger these days. 5) You think your thoughts encapsulate "the truth". So how can I change my thoughts to be an "un-truth"?
When you examine these five you can find a softening of your interpretation. If you start with small things, you can easily prove that it works, every time and immediately. You also have to determine that anger troubles you in a certain way. Not all people come to that conclusion. For them it might be the juice of life. It is actually stated very clearly in ancient philosophies. I won't point to that, because it is meaningless until it is your own discovery.
To say something like: “I really value spending time with you. When you didn’t show up, it made me wonder whether you value spending time with me as well.”
I find that very confrontational and superior. It is very likely that such a person has never examined their own thoughts about you enough, to know how to respond. Now you're putting them on the spot, to make a declaration of love. It's just as likely they would jump in the other direction.
Go to any restaurant, coffee shop or waiting area. The two people sitting together are one or both on their cell phones. What do they see in there?? You got me? It is the humor of multi tasking, and only giving a fraction of your attention to any endeavor. What poverty in your relations. Where you lack courage is to slough them off. With an empty "dance card" you might encounter a real person.
Learning is based on experience. You have to do something to find out. That's why I say start with small confrontations, just to see that your feelings really do change. It is upward and onward from there. I think you say it in other posts; acceptance doesn't mean resignation. You're even better at resolving issues.
I also aspire to behave with the high level of emotional awareness and courage that you describe so well. This all comes down to the age-old saying, “actions speak louder than words.”
And like you, I try to use words merely to remind myself of how I should act.
I love this post. The useful information, but also your honest struggles with an approach you might cognitively admire, but struggle to practically implement. Exploring the WHY is sometimes the hardest thing to face but so necessary. I think it starts on the individual level, but once we begin to ask these questions in our daily interactions and close relationships, maybe this can open a door to larger questions about the dire hateful/ angry state of the world. What drives people to be so hateful towards each other and even take to the extreme of acts of terrorism? What’s behind that hate, the pain? It’s not to excuse it, but to understand it better, and address it? Jon Stewart said something quite inspiring and beautiful about this to Stephen Colbert when asked about what is the right way to answer antisemitism, if cancellation is not it. The audience was silent once he made his points, and I remember I cried when I watched him. It is such hard work, but I think he is absolutely right in what he said. Hard, but necessary work. And imagine if we all did our part and improved ourselves just a little bit… the world would look very different.
Wonderful piece. So timely for me in my time of parenting teen boys who are often late, take too long showers, and don’t always clean up after themselves. 🤣
I found this very interesting. Thank you for sharing!
Looking inward is key. More will always be revealed about your responses and reactions in any case.
Our thoughts, rather than external events, are what truly cause our anger. It requires a significant shift in perspective and a deep level of emotional awareness to recognise and communicate the underlying needs driving our emotions.
I am enjoying walking along this path of inquiry with you, Dan. NVC is challenging. I'm in a NVC group run by this org: https://www.authenticcommunicationgroup.com/ This group has been one of the most impactful I've been a part of and very challenging at times for the reasons you explore here. Thanks for including us!
Dan, I always look forward to your posts. Recently I've recommended to my husband that he subscribe to your publication.
As a coach I'm surprised how often my clients aren't able to recognize what feeling is evoked from a particular circumstance, or what need is not being met. If we can begin to educate ourselves in that realm of the human condition maybe non-violent communication would become easier for us. It does take courage as you so eloquently suggest.
We recently listened to Oren Jay Sofer speak about NVC. Barry and I found some very helpful communication tips. Never too late to learn something new!
Trust is key. If you don't trust the other person to be factually truthful or emotionally honest it's difficult to have any conversation.
Is that being a coward?
Great read, thank you. Lots to work with. Though don’t we also speak about righteous anger? Even an angry God or Jesus throwing the sellers out off the temple. How would the different approaches go about that?
Hello Dan Ehrenkrantz,
This one really hits home. I can't imagine what's missing, or how you could add to it.
You subtitled it "Nonviolence requires Courage", but really it is about non-reaction, not about nonviolence. You said: "No one makes you angry. It’s your own thoughts that make you angry."
So why don't you modify your thoughts?
1) Well, you enjoy being angry. 2) You identify emotional tension as your power center. 3) You also have an urge for domination through the anger drama. 4) People only respond to raised voices and anger these days. 5) You think your thoughts encapsulate "the truth". So how can I change my thoughts to be an "un-truth"?
When you examine these five you can find a softening of your interpretation. If you start with small things, you can easily prove that it works, every time and immediately. You also have to determine that anger troubles you in a certain way. Not all people come to that conclusion. For them it might be the juice of life. It is actually stated very clearly in ancient philosophies. I won't point to that, because it is meaningless until it is your own discovery.
To say something like: “I really value spending time with you. When you didn’t show up, it made me wonder whether you value spending time with me as well.”
I find that very confrontational and superior. It is very likely that such a person has never examined their own thoughts about you enough, to know how to respond. Now you're putting them on the spot, to make a declaration of love. It's just as likely they would jump in the other direction.
Go to any restaurant, coffee shop or waiting area. The two people sitting together are one or both on their cell phones. What do they see in there?? You got me? It is the humor of multi tasking, and only giving a fraction of your attention to any endeavor. What poverty in your relations. Where you lack courage is to slough them off. With an empty "dance card" you might encounter a real person.
Learning is based on experience. You have to do something to find out. That's why I say start with small confrontations, just to see that your feelings really do change. It is upward and onward from there. I think you say it in other posts; acceptance doesn't mean resignation. You're even better at resolving issues.
.
This is excellent, Dan.
I also aspire to behave with the high level of emotional awareness and courage that you describe so well. This all comes down to the age-old saying, “actions speak louder than words.”
And like you, I try to use words merely to remind myself of how I should act.
I love this post. The useful information, but also your honest struggles with an approach you might cognitively admire, but struggle to practically implement. Exploring the WHY is sometimes the hardest thing to face but so necessary. I think it starts on the individual level, but once we begin to ask these questions in our daily interactions and close relationships, maybe this can open a door to larger questions about the dire hateful/ angry state of the world. What drives people to be so hateful towards each other and even take to the extreme of acts of terrorism? What’s behind that hate, the pain? It’s not to excuse it, but to understand it better, and address it? Jon Stewart said something quite inspiring and beautiful about this to Stephen Colbert when asked about what is the right way to answer antisemitism, if cancellation is not it. The audience was silent once he made his points, and I remember I cried when I watched him. It is such hard work, but I think he is absolutely right in what he said. Hard, but necessary work. And imagine if we all did our part and improved ourselves just a little bit… the world would look very different.