When It Comes to Gratitude, Stories Are More Powerful Than Lists

A different way to practice gratitude

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When I’m filled with appreciation for the blessings of friends, family, food, air, water, art, or nature, I sense I’m living well. As I wrote about here, gratitude doesn’t fit every circumstance. But research has shown strong positive correlations between gratitude and subjective well-being, and between gratitude and positive relationships.

I didn’t need scientific research to learn that gratitude is good for me. The research simply confirmed my experience. So, I was surprised to discover other scientific research that challenged my intuition and opened up a new approach to practicing gratitude.  

The practice of gratitude

Here are some common ways that people practice gratitude:

• Keep a gratitude journal. At regular intervals, write down things for which you are grateful.

• Before starting to eat dinner on say, Friday night, take a moment to pause and ask whoever you’re with to name something that occurred during the past week for which they were grateful. If you’re alone, name something aloud to yourself.

• Thanksgiving is an annual holiday that encourages gratitude. At some point during Thanksgiving, share something for which you are grateful. If it feels appropriate, provide the opportunity for others to do the same.

• Commit to watching the sun set at least three times a week with the intention of appreciating the beauty of the sky, the warmth of the sun, and the wisdom contained within the cycle of light becoming dark and turning to light once again.

I have found these sorts of gratitude practices beneficial. They create a framework for taking the time to notice and appreciate things I am thankful for. Without the framework, some of life’s gifts might pass me by without my having taken the time to truly take them in.

Creating structures to list things for which we are grateful is helpful. But there may be a better way to practice gratitude.

A different way to practice gratitude

According to Stanford professor of neurobiology Andrew Huberman, recent research indicates that while expressing appreciation is beneficial, we might be even better off repeating a story to ourselves that involves receiving gratitude. Stories, even if we aren’t the main characters in them, have the capacity to shift our emotional landscape. 

Here’s how this practice works:

• Select a gratitude story that evokes a strong emotional response.

  • This could be a story about a time when someone was genuinely grateful to you. For example, I recall times when I accompanied people through loss. I received a lot of appreciation in those moments.

  • Alternatively, the story might be about someone you observed expressing gratitude to someone else. For example, I recall a time shortly after the murder of an eleven-year-old boy’s father. The family were members of my synagogue. I was in the home when the boy was visited by a good friend. The friend said to him, “I don’t know what to say.” He responded, “You don’t need to say anything. I’m just so glad you’re here.” These words can sometimes sound rehearsed, but both children spoke them so honestly and with such wisdom that they rang with truth and beauty.

Note: Don’t choose a story where you are expressing gratitude. The story should either be about someone expressing gratitude to you, or someone (not you) expressing gratitude to another person.

• Select three key points in the story. These key points are:

  • The situation before the expression of gratitude (e.g. His father was murdered, and he was visited by a good friend.)

  • The feelings after receiving the gratitude (e.g. He was truly comforted by his good friend’s presence.)

  • Any additional details that add strong emotional content to the story. (e.g. They were so young and yet so wise.)

• Recall these key points to bring the story to mind. Focusing on the key points serves as a short-cut. The goal is to re-connect to your emotional response to the story. Alternatively, you could recount the entire story, but this will take longer. Your emotional response as you remember the story, not the story itself, is what provides the “gratitude benefits.”

• Take a moment to experience your emotional response to the gratitude story. Notice that when you experience the gratitude story, you feel centered, calm, and open-hearted.

• Repeat this process three times a week.

You can keep using the same gratitude story again and again. If it loses its emotional charge, that’s a signal it’s time to use a different story.

Moving beyond lists

There’s no need to throw away your gratitude journal. Instead, consider adding to your journal by writing stories about times when someone was grateful to you.

And there’s no need to cancel Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving, instead of (or in addition to) asking people to name something for which they are grateful, ask them to share a story about a time when someone was truly grateful to them for something they said or did.

Some people resist telling these stories about themselves to others because it seems boastful. But if we never share them, some of the best parts of our lives will remain hidden. Hearing stories featuring our friends and family behaving in ways that evoked gratitude in others is a gift. Stories have the ability to shift our emotional landscape and remind us of our shared humanity.

Stories are more powerful than lists.