Getting Smarter About Anger
Turn destructive anger into productive action
One of my earliest memories is from when I was around five years old. My mother had been yelling about something (I don’t remember what) and it upset me. I was sitting on the staircase in my house, and I had a clear and penetrating insight. Anger, I thought, was never helpful. It brings out the worst in us. When it appears, things always get worse. I decided I would stop getting angry.
In retrospect, it appears I was a precocious Stoic. Though unlike the Stoics, I didn’t equate good behavior with manliness.
“Keep this thought handy when you feel a fit of rage coming on—it isn’t manly to be enraged. Rather, gentleness and civility are more human, and therefore manlier. A real man doesn’t give way to anger and discontent, and such a person has strength, courage, and endurance—unlike the angry and complaining. The nearer a man comes to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength.” —Marcus Aurelius
Unlike Marcus Aurelius and my five-year-old self, I now recognize that anger is sometimes appropriate. When we see or experience an injustice, getting angry ensures that we don’t ignore it. Ideally, anger is here to help us, not harm us.
When does anger work for us and when does it work against us? If my anger is justified—if there are valid reasons for my anger—how can I use it productively?
I just finished reading philosopher Martha Nussbaum’s excellent book Anger and Forgiveness: Resentment, Generosity, Justice. To help us identify productive anger, Nussbaum divides anger into three different types:
Anger that includes a payback wish. A payback wish includes any thoughts that another person will “pay” for what they have done.
Anger that is due to a status injury. When we aren’t treated with appropriate kindness or respect, we may receive a status injury.
Anger that can be characterized by the sentiment “That’s outrageous! Something needs to be done about that!” When we see or experience an injustice, this sort of anger will most likely be present.
One of the tricky things about anger is that these three types are often intermingled. For example, when we see an injustice, we might experience the third type of anger, but also include a payback wish for the perpetrator of the injustice (the first type of anger).
Payback wishes
Nussbaum points out that payback wishes, though they may be a normal human response, aren’t helpful or logical. Someone else’s suffering or comeuppance won’t do anything to right a wrong that has already been committed. It might feel satisfying for a moment, but it won’t change the past. Determining whether punishment is deserved, and if so, what that punishment should be, is best left to the justice system.
For Nussbaum, the desire for payback is akin to preferences like overindulging in sweet or fatty foods or spending all our time sitting on the couch rather than taking a walk. Just because these are normal and recognizable human desires doesn’t mean we should allow them free rein. Nussbaum doesn’t expect us to eliminate payback wishes from our lives, but she wants us to recognize that to the extent we can reduce them, we will be well served.
Status injuries
Aristotle’s definition of anger includes
“…an imagined slighting inflicted by people who have no legitimate reason to slight oneself or one’s own.”
Aristotle’s use of the word “imagined” doesn’t mean that the slight didn’t occur. Aristotle’s definition places the emphasis on the experience of the angry person. It’s a person’s evaluation of events—regardless of whether that evaluation is accurate—that gives rise to the feeling of anger. This “imagined slighting” is what Nussbaum identifies as anger due to a status injury.
Status injuries often lead to payback wishes. The payback wish that often comes with a status injury involves the person responsible for the injury being humbled in some way. This humbling might be a wished-for acknowledgement of the wrong that was committed (this is my personal “go-to”) or it may be a desire that the person responsible ask to be forgiven.
Acknowledgement and apology shift relative statuses. When someone tells us we were right all along, they are also admitting they were wrong. Our status rises as their status falls. And asking for forgiveness places the penitent person in a vulnerable position. Forgiveness might be denied.
As an employee, I sometimes received status injuries. For example, there were times I didn’t think my work received appropriate acknowledgement. I felt as if I’d been demoted to a lower station. It rankled. I fantasized about receiving a public apology for the injustice I experienced.
And I’m sorry to say that as a supervisor, I sometimes failed to adequately notice or appreciate the work of others. I imagine that over the course of my lifetime, I’ve inadvertently caused many status injuries. I don’t enjoy being on either side of this dynamic.
If we don’t receive appropriate credit for our work, anger can act as a signal that something is wrong. It’s appropriate to stand up for ourselves and anger might provide the jolt we need to do so.
When I felt I wasn’t receiving credit for my work, I didn’t complain about being ignored. Instead, I made sure I received appropriate credit for future work. Had I brought attention to the fact that I felt insulted, it would have highlighted my insecurities, not my competencies. And I wanted to be seen as competent.
The fact that I felt insulted was a trivial matter. I would have enjoyed receiving an apology but in the scheme of things, that was unimportant. On the other hand, for my professional development, receiving credit for my work mattered.
Having someone ask for forgiveness can relieve a status injury. Order is restored. As opposed to other payback wishes, this one can heal damage that was done in the past. Still, wouldn’t we be better off focusing our energy and attention on something else?
The world would be a better place if we treated each other with greater kindness and respect. Sometimes we need to point out the poor behavior of others. Sometimes we need to advocate for systemic change. But focusing on our standing in relation to others doesn’t help us increase kindness and respect. It only brings attention to our insecurities.
Something should be done about that!
Anger can serve as a signal that something should change. The third type of anger, anger focused on how to make things better in the future, is valuable. With the right intention, the first two types of anger can morph into this important third type. Drop the wish for payback, drop the (somewhat narcissistic) obsession with status, and figure out how to turn anger’s energy into productive action.
Drop the wish for payback, drop the (somewhat narcissistic) obsession with status, and figure out how to turn anger’s energy into productive action.
It’s easier said than done. And Nussbaum is quick to admit it.
We often don’t get things right. People are prone to get angry for the wrong reasons. For example, many people in America went to war to preserve slavery. They were fully convinced of the justice of their cause.
I would like to think that my sense of justice is infallible. But experience tells me that’s not true. If I get angry at an injustice, I always try to take a second look. Is it possible I’m missing something?
And even if I’m angry at the right things (a big “if”) a challenge still remains. The energy of anger devoted to payback wishes and status injuries doesn’t help me. I need to transform that energy into productive action.
What should be done? And what is the first step I can take to make things better?
I find Nussbaum’s analysis compelling. She helped me recognize why I don’t like anger. She also helped me recognize that anger has an important role to play in life. The insight of my five-year-old self had a lot to commend it. But I took things too far. If it’s properly handled, sometimes anger is a good response.
Still, philosophy is often better at telling us what we should do than showing us how we can do it. Knowing what’s best for me and doing what’s best for me aren’t the same thing. But often the knowing helps me with the doing.
When it comes to the question of how, religion and psychology may have more to offer than philosophy. Future installments of Not So Random Thoughts will explore some of the ways these fields deal with anger.
Anger can be a very useful tool. It can be used as a fire to transform something into something else. It propels and pushes us forward. A lot of positives if channeled in the right way (with some professional guidance, perhaps) 🙏
"Drop the wish for payback, drop the (somewhat narcissistic) obsession with status, and figure out how to turn anger’s energy into productive action."
It has come to me that anger is a necessary emotion as well. It is our bodies way of saying, This does not feel good. Take action.
I disowned anger when I was younger as a reaction to being subject to my father's narcissistic anger. When I recently met Ghandi's grandson, he told me that Ghandi was a very angry man. And look what he did with that!